Will it be merry?

There are times when i don't want this christmas to come

It's not that i hate it, i just don't want it to come

I want to go back to where we started it but then it will mean that i must go through the hardest part again

I can't do it, Mi

It's just too hard

But if i let this christmas come, there will be so much distance between your presence before and my life time now

I will miss you too much that i can't breath

It's just too hard, Mi

I don't know where should i go

Stay in the past or keep moving to the future?

I miss you till it hurts

I try to stay in touch with the world but all i want is to hold you

Part of me has died since then

It's like a never ending nightmare

If only i can let it go

I have tried, Mi

I am trying to stay alive

I am trying to laugh and love again

But the world seems like a big crowded place with me alone in the middle

I survive but i am in pieces

The further the distance, the harder it will be

I don't want this christmas to come 

At least not now

Will it be merry too when there is no you?

Love Letter to Mami

Dear Mami,

Hi mom, how's there in heaven? I heard that it's a very beautiful place. Is that true that people look better and they smile every day? How do you like it there?

We are doing okay, mom. Don't worry.

I have cured my kitchen desease. I cook once in a while. It doesn't taste like one of yours but it's edible. Sort of. 

Papi is as healthy as a young man. Strong and cheerful as always. Don't worry about him, he's fine.

Have you seen Baby Ru? She looks like you. And Ninot's place is big and beautiful. I like it here. 

Do you know that wite cite is like a flower surrounded by bees lately? Yes, she is, eventhough her nose looks like being stung by one of them.

And your Tondi, you won't believe it but he's no more cute fat spoiled baby boy we used to know. He's a young man now. You will be proud, mom.

Be happy there, mom.

Do your angel job, the thing that you were very good at.

God summoned you for another big job, angel.

The world and heaven need you.

Go ahead, mom. It's okay.

Don't worry about us, we'll be fine.

Btw, please tell God to send me more strength, mom.

Sometimes it feels that i'm running out of power to move on.

But don't worry, i'm fine.

See, i still can smile and laugh like there's no hell.

I still can even crack a joke.

I'm fine, mom.

But tell God, a little more strength will do me better.

Just a little more.

Sometimes i look above, seeking the signs of you, is that possibility that you become one with the energy of the universe, mom? 

Are you one with the air that i breath? Or with the soft breezy wind blows that play my hair and kiss my face? 

Are you one with the stars, mom? Are you one with the sun? Are you there when it shines to the world and give me warm hug every morning i wake up? Or with the stars that look bright in the dark sky and stay with me till i sleep at night?

Are you one with silence, mom? Are you there when i stay still and feel the world is very quiet sometimes?

Are you one with us, mom? Are you there when we gather and laugh and cry? 

Mom, when we meet again one day, will you still recognize me?

It's been so long and i'm afraid that my new hair cut and my new wrinkles will make you think that i'm a different person. 

Mom, will you find me when i come to you one day?

How can i recoqnize you in the crowd?

Will you hear my voice when i call you?

Will you notice me among others?

Will you still remember me?

Will you know my name?

Will we be together again?

I miss you, mom. So much.

I love you.