I Don't Want To Have A Baby

Do animals have souls?

Where will they go when they die?

Who's going to bring them to the light?

Will they ever remember you?

Will they reincarnate?

On 10th July 2010, I lost Tata. He was sick. He was not sick when I got him. He was a healthy, cute, cuddly, soft baby rabbit. He was about 2 months old. He had white spots on the black fluffy fur. I liked hugging him and cuddled him as I fed him with hay. One morning, I fed Tata with green fresh grass too much. He liked it so much that He always asked for more and I was stupid enough to give him more and more. At noon, Tata became sick. He couldn't move at all. He was paralytic. He didn't want to eat and drink anymore. I knew he was starving but he couldn't chew the hay and the corn. We fed him with milk. But Tata could hardly drink. Then, when I was in Jakarta, my sister called me and told me that Tata had gone. I couldn't help crying. I felt so guilty. Tata was sick due to eating too much fresh grass. Its stomach couldn't take the gas that came out of it. He was just a baby and couldn't survive one more day till I came home to hug him in my arms again. I couln't see him for the last time and it tortured me so much.

Then, Keke was left alone. I started to be more attentive and be more careful. I never let Keke out of its cage again. I didn't want her to eat grass. I didn't want the same thing happened to Keke too. Keke was only a baby rabbit just like Tata, she was just about one month older than Tata. Keke was so hyperactive, unlike Tata. So she felt bad when I kept her in cage everyday. I cleaned Keke's cage every morning, I cleaned its drink container and food container with my own barehands. I cuddled her everyday. I went to morning market just to buy its favorite food. She also liked fish food so much. After had been kept in cage for so long, Keke became calmer. She liked it when I came to her and rubbed her gently. She liked it when I patted on its tiny head. I touched her everyday till she recognized my fingers. As usual, I cleaned its cage this morning. I filled its food container with its favorite food - fish food and corn. I cleaned its drink container and filled it with clean fresh water. Then I put the cage on the garden. But till the sun went up this noon, I forgot that I haven't put Keke back to the place for its cage. It's a shaddy place. I put Keke under the hot burning sun too long. I couldn't believe I forgot about her. She fell down weakly. I held her weak body and splash cool water to it. She didn't move. She was still breathing when I laied her on a cool cement and splashed cool water to her. She moved its head. Then she died. I couldn't say anything. I touched her dead body and hoped she could breath again. I lifted her tiny head and hoped she moved it as usual. I touched her once again. That was my last time with her. She was buried beside Tata.

I am such a baby killer. They were just babies. I tried my best but I am not a better mom to them. Not at all. I couldn't save them.

Love is not enough. Care is not the only thing babies need. They didn't need a mom who could only give them love, cuddly hug, and gentle touch. They didn't need a mom who could only clean their cage, their water and food container, and their fur. They didn't need a mom who could only feed them their favorite food. They didn't need a mom who could only run to the morning market just to buy them their favorite food.

They needed a real mom who could say "no" when they had asked too much things that could cause them bad things. They needed a real mom who could remember to put them back in a shaddy place.

Dear God, I don't want to have a baby...