CATATAN AKHIR TAHUN: "IT'S BEEN AMAZING"

2011 is going to be a history.

I remember in the first of this year, I was a new awkward girl in a big place and had no idea how things run in there. But I was extremely happy and exciting as well. It was my first time and already felt like home in that new place called office (well it still feels like home till now). Partners like siblings, bosses like parents, uncles and aunts. 
Every morning I woke up and smiled to a new happy day. Working felt like doing hobbies (and it still does till now!). I never spent a day without laughing and smiling. There’s no such thing like “Damn, it’s Monday” but it’s more like “Oh yeah!! It’s Monday!!”. 
We don’t call our legal department “a workplace”. Instead, we call it a “playground”. We don’t assume ourselves “working”, but more like “having fun”. I feel safe and comfortable every time I’m being around my working partners (which I call them “The Fun-taste-tic 6). Our craziness and our idiocy stuffs have been a cure and a reason to laugh and feel better for each of us whenever burden of works almost drawn us. Our own jokes are like a specific code that no one knows and understands except us. It’s like we’re talking in the language that only we know. It’s like we’re living in our own world and running our own company. 
I’m so grateful that I’m one of the luckiest people in the world for having you guys there with me.

I remember the bitter scene too. That was the moment when I was left. 
I always wish someone really want to be with me, not because I asked them to, but because both of us want to, naturally. 
Chuck Bass says that in the face of true love, you don’t give up even if the object of your affection is begging you to. I also ever heard that if you really love someone, you better let them go. If they come back, then they’ll be forever yours. He left me and never came back. 
I cried for weeks for something that didn’t belong to me for the first time. It’s dramatic. Yeah, I know it’s silly but you might do the same if you thought you had made a wrong decision to do what those two quotes said. I was just afraid of being lonely for I used to have him to tell me funny story. 
But then I realized, it just didn’t mean to be for the first time. What I felt was not true. So I let go. 
Thanks God I did that because I was meant for another, and so was he. If I hadn’t let go, I might not fall for another and that would be a huge mistake in the future. 
I learn that sometimes in life we need to let go something to let other thing come in. I call it “Gold necklace philosophy”. 
However, days that I had been through with him as the clown for me was in a proper condition to be thank for.

I found my long lost childhood buddy this year! 
Well, we didn’t actually meet but it can be arranged in the future. He and I were best friends when I was so little, maybe I was 7 year-old at that time. 
I remember he used to accompany me when my sisters and his siblings were busy with things we didn’t even care about. We were calm kids and didn’t like race. 
There was a moment when both of us spent a day by only sitting or walking around my mom’s orchid garden and talked about stupid things (if he ask me what we were talking about at that moment, I can tell him but both of us will die laughing). 
Sometimes the two of us would take a ride on our bike and went around the plantation house complex till it was time to take the afternoon bath. Sometimes when we were playing games, my elder sister and his elder brother would let us be partner so that we didn’t block them to be a winner. 
It was a miracle for me when in the end I found him. We talk about lots of things, but never about the past. Sometimes I wonder whether he still remembers those funny childhood memories with me. Sometimes I wonder whether he and I are those same little awkward kids we used to be. Sometimes I wonder whether we are still best friends like we used to be. 
I realized sometimes when best friends grow older, they grow apart and somehow they become strangers to each other.

There’s also times when I was addicted to everything about work and my office. I couldn’t say no to everything about it. 
I went to work very early in the morning. I never called home. I spent weekends, spare times, and holidays with office friends. I came home late every working day. At home, I chatted with my working buddies by mobile phone. 
It happened for such a long time till one day I realized that I had been away from my home too long. My parents told me that we lived in the same house but somehow it seemed that I wasn’t there anymore. 
Have you ever felt so dilemma about two things you love so much? I couldn’t pick which one. 
But then I realized. My office is like a second home to me but apparently it won’t last for the rest of my life. It has a limited access to be part of it. But my family is me. It will stay in me forever. It’s in the blood. Sometimes I may want to get away from them (you know that family is not always fun, sometimes they can be so annoying though), but no matter what happen and who I turn to be, they’re always there for me. Even when I become a monster and everything turns ugly, they never leave me. They may not superheroes or the coolest person on earth, but somehow in a hard time, being with them is the best feeling you can get.

In this year also, my old man got the bitter of life. Well, life has a great power to knock people down, even the strongest one. 
Seeing him in painful is tearing me apart. I know, inside that weak body, there lives a strong soul. 
He may not be able to lift the water gallon anymore, or building a desk for us, or changing the bulb on the ceiling, or cleaning the pool, or feeding the cock, or driving us, or riding on his motorbike anymore. But he’s still my hero. 
Everybody can have a dream. But my dream is pursuing his dream. The journey to reach out our dream will be tough, difficult and nothing is easy. But I will do it for love. I don’t mind if my decision will make me feel lonely. I learn that if you do something with your heart for the good purpose, you will get the result twice better.

Then there was a story when this person came into my life. Somehow, for a silly cute reason, the number 12 and 3 are now like my favorite numbers that always give me accidental romantic signs. Dramatic, I know. He’s not a stranger though. We are friends already, a close one, but it was so long ago that I’m hardly sure that he ever remembered me before (and the truth is, so did I). 
On one fine day in the middle of this year, we went out and spent that night with laughter. He didn’t know I was in a black mood due to Tero’s accident and a little silly misunderstanding argument with my friend’s girlfriend. But that night, I didn’t know how, he managed to change my mood. 
After that day, he asked me out for a couple of times. Hot chocolate, coffee, plaza, long talks, laughter, jokes, encouragements, attentions, dinner, lunch, future thoughts, fears and tears. Through all of those things, suddenly I fell for him. Silly, I admit it. 
I don’t know why I let him get me. I don’t have to ask for funny stories when I am down or sad. It seems that he has it in him. No matter what mood I was that day, every chance we had a conversation, he could manage to make me at least smile. 
There was one time when I cried too much, worried about scary things that would happen to dad. I didn’t show it in office for I didn’t want them to see me fall apart. I didn’t want to talk about it with buddies for I’m scared I’ll burst in tears. 
Suddenly he came at night just before I went to sleep. We talked and finally I let my tears rolled down. I wish he was by my side at that time so I could have a real shoulder to cry on. But his comforting words already made me relief. It didn’t stop till there, it worked like magic how he pulled me out of my sadness and gave a smile back to my face. He even made me laugh at that time. 
Every night I pray to God, asking Him to let him stay with me. If only I could say to him that he’s not popcorn to me, he’s more like chocolate that always can make me happy. 
It’s sad that we’re getting further these days. I know that I shall prepare myself for the worst part, but is it wrong if I still save one hope? I learn that I must always have hope, faith and love for those three can make things happen like miracle.

In 365 days, I have been learning lots of things. I learn that time is the best cure for everything. I learn that best friend is not the one who is with you longer, but it is the one cares about you and knows you better to understand what’s important to you.

Well, I still have extra fat in my body, I still have acne on my face, and I still remain single till the end of this year. But 2011 has been such a great year for me. It is not perfect, but it’s been amazing.

For everyone who has been taking a part in my 2011 stories, thank you. 
Thanks to those who made me cry in pain, you made me a stronger person. Thanks to those who love me, you’ve made my heart bigger. Thanks to those who were worried about me, you let me know that you actually care. Thanks to those who left me, you made me realize that there’s a reason why people stayed in our past. Thanks to you who could put a smile on my face, even made me laugh, just when I was drawn in tears and covered with fear.

Thanks to all of you for entering my life, you’ve made me who I am today. You guys are one of the best things that ever happened in my life and I’m so blessed for your presence. I pray that we’ll be bounded by love, friendship and mercy in God’s bless for another chance of life.

Last but not least, welcome 2012.

P.S.: For those who know yourself after reading this note, please don’t take me for granted, for it took such a lot of courage for me to post it here so you can see :D

A Dozen Wish For My Birthday Bliss

I'm turning 27 this month.

Happy? Indeed.

Scared? A bit.

27-years is not a little time for a girl to go through in this world.

I have been learning so much through bad times and good times.

I learn that everything in life is about choice.

Bad start-good start, bad luck-good luck, bad decision-good decision, bad ending-good ending, name it all.

You make your own story.

You are your own director.

I learn that in this complicated life I am living in, there's a power from somewhere beyond my imagination that always turn something bad into good things.

You can call it names like whoever you like it. I call it Mr. G.

I don't even know how to call it sometimes, a He or a She, for Mr. G sometimes has no gender to me. It can be the God I believe in or it may be my consciousness. Oh well, who knows. Maybe it will be better to call it a It, literally.

It turned my nightmares that I used to call my failure into stepping stones that help me reach something I thought was very high before.

Now I touch the sky and often sit on cloud nine.

I didn't look back to my past, but I don't want to forget it either. 

My past is what making me today and I am grateful for having a chance to experience them all.

What doesn't kill me will always make me stronger.

And when a person is getting stronger, even great pain is nothing to worry about.

I learn that nothing in this world is everlasting.

Laughter will subside and tears will get dried.

Friends will be apart and haters will unite.

Sometimes you are on top and the other time you will be drowned.

So why do we need to worry too much?

I learn that no one can really help you as much as you help yourself.

What is the use to pray a lot but you just laid back on your seat?

Does miracle come in form of a sprinkle of magic dust?

I learn to believe that God does make a way when there seems to be no way. 

He makes things happen even when we think it can't be happened.

I learn that hope, faith and love are the recipes to have a peaceful life.

You may be kicked, dumped, rejected or ejected many times.

But Hope will make you survive, Faith will make you move on and Love will make you strong.

I learn that we cannot control the presence of people who come to our life.

But we can choose who deserve to stay and who need to leave.

I learn that God has a reason which we hardly understood sometimes why He let people come into and go out of our life.

When there's a farewell, God always let you welcome a new sweet lovely hello.

Rain will stop falling and sun will shine brightly.

Your tears of loosing someone will be replaced with overjoyed of meeting a long-time-no-see best friend who apparently turns to be a sunshine that brighten up your life.

I learn that family is the real home. You may wish not being with them but you will never be able to make them disappear.
You are them and they are you.
No matter what and who you are or will be, they will accept you and never leave you.
I'm turning 27 this month.
Thanks to those who made me cry in pain, you made me a stronger person.
Thanks to those who loved me, you made my heart bigger.
Thanks to those who were worried about me, you let me know that you actually cared.
Thanks to those who left me, you made me realize that nothing lasts forever.
Thanks to all of you for entering my life, you made me who I am today.
You guys are one of the best things that ever happened in my life and I'm so blessed for your presence.
So, I'm turning 27 this month.

Happy? Indeed.

Scared? A bit.
But I choose not to worry.

Pick 3

Does anyone ever see that 3 may go for many beautiful things?
Or is it just me?
Everything appears so wonderful everytime it comes across my mind.
It speeds my heart like there's no limit line.
I feel like flying to the sky and stuck on cloud nine.
Just like a butterfly: beautiful, soft, wild and free.

That's exactly how it feels like to me.
I notice that I can draw its' wings right from number 3.
Make a twin 3, face to face, draw a line in between and on top of it just put the letter v.
It looks beautiful even though it's so simple and easy.
Just like "I love you" and "I miss you" which also come in three.

How do you feel when someone whisper those to your ear?

Do you feel magic works suddenly?
Does it feel like distance seems so near?
If I feel it someday, I'll keep it forever in my memory.
Oh silly me, don't I always have God to love me?
When God is with me, nothing really matters.
Well, if you spell God, it consists of three letters.
This love thing reminds me of a wedding.
The words " I do" feel like more special than the ring.

What's more beautiful in this world when someone actually wants to spend his life time with you?

How sweet it is to know that someone is willing to grow old with you?
Count how many alphabets are there in "I do"?
Three, let's call it romantic three.
Just like "you and me".

Talking about that, it reminds me of you.
You also consists of three.
You make my life more beautiful as how it is supposed to be.
It feels awkward but I think I like you.
Don't ask me how can I love you.
Do you ask a girl how can she breath?
You'll figure out how as you see her beautiful like wearing a Christmas wreath.
Is there any chance in this world that you're gonna pick 3?
It goes beautiful with a dow ray me. 

Miracles Happen Everyday

Is this about life?

You think that life is not fair?

You feel that there's no one care?

Keep holding on

When problem comes, just say: bring it on

Just hang in there

Miracle is on its way
 

Don't you worry

Because miracles happen everyday

LOVE

Love hurts.

Why?

Because by the way I see it:

Love means you give your heart to them.

Love needs you to sacrifice your own will because of them.

Love wants you to care about them.

and the worst part is, you can't even ask them to love you back.

The saddest part is, you can't hope they will return it.

The painful part is, you want them to be happy even if it means you need to sacrifice your own happiness.

So love hurts.

But it gives people you love a happy smile on their face.

Your attention makes their days.

Your heart makes them feel heaven.

Your sacrifice makes them feel priceless.

Your presence completes them in this world.

So love hurts, but it makes the world better.

So love hurts, but it makes your heart bigger.

So love hurts, but it means you are alive.

Because there's always someone who wants to give his heart to you without forcing you to take it.

There's always someone who wants to see a smile on your face even if it means he will cry.

There's always someone who wants to make you happy ever after.

There's always someone who wants to sacrifice their own happiness for you.

There's always someone who wants to love you.

Yes, love hurts, so what?

If it can make hearts bigger, I will be willing to take that pain

And I will keep loving till my heart stops beating.

You And Me Between Time

I don't want to be your Lady Jane

I will keep waiting for you in vain

Even if I must go against the grain

For we're meant to dance together in the rain

Take your time if it's a must for me to wait

I don't mind and it's clear without being said

But why does it seem time flies faster for me?

Because I don't think that we are ready

Oh, if only I can delete this time-space

So that I and time no need to have a race

I can't be younger and just can't stop being older
How I wish it can't stop us for being together

Go ahead, darling, fly to the sky if you have to

I will not jump and try to grab you

But I hope you know to whom you'll turn to

Because I've been fighting against time to grow old with you

Monkey

A beautiful song is heard as we are approaching each other.
I close my eyes, take my time, and enjoy the moment.
I take a deep breath as I sense your presence.
I wish I could save your scent like I save your picture.
I open my eyes and I see that you are there.
You talk to me, smile at me, and we even laugh together.
You stand by me and we are just as far as a wind blows.
But how can I still miss you so bad?
I look at you and I wish everything freezes.
I wish clock stop ticking at this moment.
There was a time when I felt so down and thought that things will never get better as he left me.
But then time has brought sun back to me and kissed me with hope and faith.
I fly to cloud nine as my heart is finally freed.
You bring me here, monkey.
You release my pain.
You bring me to the way out of my misery.
You give my laughter back to where it's supposed to be.
You show me that you are there and handle me with care.
Dear monkey, I wish this world is upside down so that our destiny and faith can turn upside down as well.
I think this is our fate that God make us here and let you bring me back to my happy sanity.
I know that you will not stay here with me forever, dear.
I know that your heart is not mine to keep.
I know that I'm not for you to have.
But this special little moment we have has brought me heaven.
One day, dear monkey, in a lovely rain and a beautiful night, I will bring the heaven you brought me to the knight that soon will keep my heart with his life.
And monkey will always be there with me.
Being kept in my heart and stay in my memory.

Darn! It's Raining Again.

I look outside through the window.
It's dark, but the light from the street lamp and from the building makes a sparkling colorful beam.
I love the view.
It feels so damn romantic.
I love the feeling.
Then I remember you.
I smile.
I love night. It always reminds me of you.
Because every time I want to sleep, I think about you.
I wish you could come into my dream and stay there with me.
But it never happens, not in my real life, not in my dream.
I watch the moon, it is full moon.
Then I see your face there.
I close my eyes, hoping that I can absorb your presence.
But you don't even show up.
I breath your name, hoping so much that you will listen.
But you only take a glance. Then you make a distance.
What have I done?
Have I sacrificed my heart for something you don't even feel?
Have I wasted my tears for something not even real?
Suddenly thunder roars. I look up and see droplets fall from above.
Droplets kiss my window, make a stream just like a river.
I watch it as the rain fall down and kiss the soil.
I blow at the window to make a fog.
Then I write down your name slowly, hoping that your heart is touched and you can feel me.
But then I remember, your heart is not mine to keep.
So I blow on your name, until it is covered by fog again.
I close my eyes and wipe your name on the window with my hand.
I wish all sweet memories could disappear as your name wiped by the rain.
it's raining outside... As it's raining inside.

In every lost, just remember: Gold Necklace Philosophy.

Do you still remember a few months a go, Pam? That was only a moment a go.
Do you still remember the pain of losing, Pam?
Don't let yourself forget the feeling of being in your lowest point.
Don't waste all teardrops that had fallen and rolled down your cheeks.
It was a moment to learn about life.
See how it makes you. See how it shapes you. See how it changes you.
You are now a stronger person that long time a go you couldn't imagine you could be.
Now, if life beats you, you stand on your feet and face it.
And again, Pam, for this lost as well.
All things will teach you a whole meaning of life and love.
This is the thing that you can't get from whining and complaining.
Stop asking Him "Why and When"!
Don't be such a baby girl, Pam! You are much stronger now. Don't let everything that you have learned blown away just like steam.
Everything will turn out good. Most of the times, the progress hurts.
But if you just have faith and keep doing your best, nothing bad will come out of it.
It is exactly just like the old times, Pam.
God knows your lost.
He feels your pain.
He sees your teardrops.
He holds your hands.
Nothing that he does is intended to make you suffer.
Every pain counts.
Every teardrops counts.
Keep having faith, you will be healed.
Don't let life beat you.
Don't disappear just because you don't think you can take it anymore.
Cry, if it makes you relief.
But don't let yourself drown in it.
There's always an end for everything, so is pain.
In every lost, just remember: Gold Necklace Philosophy.