Stuck In A Still Movement

Here I am again, standing in an empty dark space where I cannot find anything to see. I am scared but fear has been my friend since long time a go. I said to myself, if I cannot survive again this time, than it is time for me to stop.

But my name is not Pamela if I am that easy to give up.

I have been a loser for such a long time, not dumped yet, but still not a winner. I am just stuck, cannot go forward, cannot go backward either. I figure out that people only love the winners.

So here I am again, looking at myself in the mirror.

I see a coward, a baby, and a loser.

I am not myself if I said I am a warrior princess who stands in the front line and is ready to win a battle.

But I don't cry. I don't weep.

I try to pull myself to stand still, no matter how weak my feet are, whenever I start to kneel on my knees. I push my self forward, no matter how heavy it is, whenever I start to lose my energy.

Do I choose wrong direction?

I didn't choose my future.

I like what I did. I just cannot fall in love with it.

Shall I try to make another choice?

What if it is too late for another trip?

Am I stuck in a still movement?

I remember once i had a dream of a sailing boat, I went to many strange places with someone to watch my back. It has been a motivation for me that I can move on, eventually.

So I don't want to stop. I refuse to give up. I will never give in.

Not until my soul apart from my body.