Episode 28: Bring It On!

Yes, there were times i was so scared when this year is going to finish its 365 days.
I was so scared because I was worried for I haven't done with all my to do list.
It's not all checked.
There's still some squares with no tick inside and I was afraid that I'll never finish it.
There's 365 days in one year and I thought that I would be a failure if I couldn't finish it before this year ends.
I was still scared till today.
I realized that I have been given so much, even more than I ever asked and it's beyond my imagination.
I rewind my memory, back to previous years, I know that my life has gone up to the next level.
This is where I know that I'm not just getting older but I also have grown up this year.
Life has touched me with so many beautiful moments and I thank God that I had a chance to share them all with so many people.
Yes, I still cry at hard times, but it doesn't mean I'm still the same weak person inside.
I'm not stronger, I'm just being maturer.
Does it wrong to cry if it makes a mature woman be able to stand tall?
It's okay if you get me wrong by these tears and said that I'm just like a baby, but you see, even with all those tears, a baby never whines.
Crying is just the way to show the feelings inside that can't be described in words.
Me, I don't like saying what I want.
I find it's hard to describe what I feel.
So, I start to describe how it feels like.
Tears help me clean the mood.
So yes, if you don't mind, I will still cry till next year.
Even with all hard times that mostly punched me on the face, still I have been given so much more to thank for.
I thank God for opening my eyes and knocked on my head so I could realized that 3 was not meant to be waited for.
I learn that even if you keep praying for something you really want but if God said that it's not what you need, then it will never be yours.
Keep having faith that yours is out there somewhere and is waited for you to get.
I thank God for letting me have a little fun with destiny.
I realized that sometimes we need to let our heart beat for something it likes even if it's not right, so that you know how life can be so silly yet enjoyable sometimes.
In one condition, you must know the limit. Don't let yourself fall too deep.
I thank God for letting this little angel join our little family.
Every moment she spends is a miracle to be grateful for.
My heart beats faster everytime I hold her close to my chest.
Her smile, her tears, her laughter, her claps, her eyes and everything about her is love.
I thank God for letting me have this baby. 
Well, she's not mine biologically but technically she's my baby.
I thank God for the "stabbing" from someone out there who finally made me realized that I'm better than whatever she thinks about me and I know that I deserve so much better.
She may think that she had hurt me but she'd better know that words can't let me down.
I'm not a saint, nor a sinner. So excuse me if my words killed you a little inside.
I thank God for finally letting me share my moment with this person who has a heart of a knight.
Call me an opportunist, but am I a sinner if this moment shared heal me from the affliction caused by 3 and Monkey?
Is it wrong to enjoy every moment moreover if it makes you happy even if this happiness sounds insensible to others?
I'm just happy that I finally get to share one moment in my life with someone I adore so much for keeping my head off the rain.
I thank God for this family who never leave me behind no matter how hard the situation is.
Family takes care of each other.
Mine is not the best in the world but they are perfect for me.
I thank God for making me who I am today.
My to do list may not be checked all but it's okay.
I have faith that God will let me finish it in time.
I know that I will be given so much more then why should I'm worried?
I may be getting older, I may stay single till this year ends, I may still behave like a kid sometimes, I may still like crying, I may stay weird and pour every feeling on a post like this, but I'm grateful for everything I have and share in my life.
I may have simple and silly life but to me, it is precious and I treasure it for sure.
I thank God for this year and everything I had in it for 365 days.
2012 has been amazing and it's well done for me.
So I'm welcoming the new year.
I'm so ready for another adventurous moment in my life.
Bring it on.

Dear, sir.

Do you believe in coincidence, sir?
I don't.
I think everything happens for a reason.
All simple things create a chain reaction that can lead us to something big that is about to happen in the future.
We'll never be able to figure out where this reaction lead us to.
But that's the beauty.
You'll never imagine how traffic jam, red lights, sudden breaks, and even a bad day in the office could lead me to you, sir.
Isn't the mistery of the universe ravishing?

Do you believe in miracle, sir?
I do.
I believe that miracle happens everyday.
The moment we breathe, a second chance we get, rainy days and heat, good persons we meet and even smiling faces we greet.
I think eveyone's good deeds will be someone else's miracle, don't you think, sir?
And i believe that yours happened to be one of mine.
Your first greeting and everything since then has been a rapturous moment for me.
Everything in that moment is being kept in mind as a keep sake and a memory.
Every conversation is a mood booster and a medicine for a dull day.

Do you believe in story, sir?
There are times when life is not always fun.
Just like when the rain keeps on falling down on me.
Don't get me wrong, I love the rain, that I do.
But it doesn't love me back.
Then there was one moment when this someone came and keep the rain off my head.
That was one moment when I saw a person with a heart of a knight.

Do you believe that good things come to those who wait, sir?
Well, I do. I really do.
I've been waiting like thousands hours just to be seen by you.
These thousands hours worth a priceless moment shared with you.

So here's your Christmas gift, sir.
My gift is my post and this one is only for you.
This gift may seem less than my small change but I bet you can't buy this with your big one either.
Though you may say talk if I want to talk to you, but this class 4 is 7 far away from class 11.
I can hardly catch up with you, especially with the rule #1 connected with you.

Do you believe in words that come out from the heart, sir?
This is one of them.
For all that you did for me, sir, thanks for having a heart of a knight and keep the rain off my head.

When It Comes To Reality

It crushes you so bad that you can hardly breath.
It feels like every bones is shaking that you can hardly stand still.
What is this pain that makes every nerve is breaking?
You hold your chest because it feels like the heart is bursting.
You fall apart because every cell of you is aching.
You die a little inside that you keep going on fainting.
It hurts so bad that you feel like every part of you is falling.
Well, it may torture me.
But again, I survive the pain.
Everyday is a struggle to hide this kind of  strange feelings.
Sometimes I almost fail, but again I manage to keep it together .
No one needs to know, not even myself.
I lie to me just so I can go back to my senses and won't be in that contagious and continuous pain.
But how can people lie to themselves when they also keep the truth in their heart?
All I need is a pain killer but how can it cure me if it will kill myself in the end?
Because I am the pain.
I am the cause why it always rain and thunder breaks heart.
I don't need people see me with their dewy eyes and be friends with me just because they want to make themselves feel better.
Stop the drama.
Because as you can see, with all those things I am having inside, I still can make you see me look like a happy person with a wide big smile on my face and a nice friendly figure.
So I don't need you feeling sorry.

I don't need heroes.

I don't need your charity as well.

I don't even need a protector.

Because when it comes to reality, all I need is a true friend.

Welcoming 12 November

Well, hello there, we meet again.

It's been a year and lots of things had happened since then, don't you think?

Well, maybe I'm quite a lot still the same person, but believe me, I have changed.

Not just that, I have been beaten up quite a lot too, you know.

Broken heart, left alone, being ignored, taken for granted, stranded... Okay, I admit it, still the same problem here.

But hey, I learn too.

This time, I learn that if you don't want to get hurt so much, try not to think too much about things. Be spontaneous. You will have so much fun by doing it.

Stop giving expectations, that will hurt you in the end.

Start being a picky at least for the sake of your heart.

Because once you give away a piece of your heart to someone who doesn't even want it or to something that is not meant to be, you will die slowly for sure.

Yes, yes, It's hard to stop your heart beating for something that make you sad and angry.

But why should I even try?

I mean, you know that it also what makes me who I am now, don't you?

If I hadn't felt it, what would I have been?

I mean, that things also what keep me alive, don't you think?

It hurts, that's true. But I also want to live.

If I had shielded my heart from anything that could hurt it, I would have never been through many unforgettable moments in my life, I would have never learned anything and I would have never grown up.

Well, there are times that I wish it's as beautiful as Kaoru's.

I wish I don't have to say it and it's okay for me to care.

I wish I can follow the lead and let me be saved instead.

I got the picture of it in my mind but why does the road seem so much different than what I dreamt?

Sometimes I don't want to wake up but it is also by living a life that I can see it again.

It's a dilemma, yet it's a drama.

But come to think of it, I have never been failed by His mighty grace, haven't I?

In fact, I have been blessed by so many amazing and beautiful things, indeed.

I have been promised that everything will be just fine in time.

Yes, wrinkles come and stay. So what? I am still beautiful.

Yes, my age makes me feel old just by counting it. So what? Age is only numbers.

There is nothing to worry about.

So please do come and stay at least for a while.

It will always be nice to meet you again, 12 November.

Dear Mami, Please Don't Worry.

I may cry sometimes. Well, I admit it, it is often actually.
It's just that sometimes I think the world is too big, the sky is too high and the edge is too steep.
I wish I could tell you everything, but there are some things I just can't say.
It's not that I don't trust you or don't love you.
You know you're always be my everything, mom.
I'm just too scared too spell it out.
You just need to hold me and let me stay with you longer.
Sometimes all I need to heal this pain is your hug.
Just being with you gives me faith that everything is going to be alright.
If you are worried, then where on earth will I find my strength?
I know you're afraid, mom. I'm afraid too.
I know you always want to protect me from anything that makes me scared or sad.
But we both know, we don't have the world in our hands, do we?
Sometimes I want to go back in your tummy, taking the feeling of being safe and sound inside you.
But this world is too amazing to be ignored and I'm too excited to explore.
I figure out that life is such an arduous journey.
I feel so tired sometimes, mom.
I wish I could stop and relax for a while.
You see, I am often left by time.
So I need to keep on moving even if it means that I have to crawl.
But you are my energy, mom.
You are my source of power.
Everytime I am dropped, I just remember you and I will get my strength back.
Yes, I cry a lot.
It's just that I feel my heart is about to explode like being over capacity or overload with so many things I can't explain, mom.
But I know you know what I have been thinking. You always do.
I know you are worried, mom. I'm worried too.
But if you are worried, how will I find my relief?
They say good things come to those who wait.
I believe miracles happen everyday.
I may feel that it seems I'm the only person on earth who can't have a simple life like most people have.
But people can have a childish thought sometimes.
I believe God will not let me stranded by myself.
I may feel lonely sometimes or die a little inside.
But I believe everything will be just fine eventually, just like how things went before.
So don't worry, mom. Your little girl will be just fine.

Little Worm & Chocolate Popcorn

Demi apa aku menunggumu sampai detik ini?
You don't even care if I'm okay or not.
I don't think you'll even miss me if I'm gone.
Do you even realize if one day I'm not around anymore?
Yes, I know you're so damn busy with life.
It's like you don't even have time for yourself anymore.
I know I'm also the one who asked you to do that.
But am I too childish if I'm asking for 5 minutes from your 24 hours this time?
Just 5 minutes.
Please, stay with me for 5 minutes.
Apakah hari-harimu begitu padatnya hingga sedetikpun aku tak terlintas dalam benakmu?
At least ask me how I am.
You used to be so attentive before.
You used to be so funny and make things easy and fun.
Kemana perginya orang yang kukenal itu?
Kemana perginya orang yang kusenangi itu?
Kemana perginya orang yang membuat aku bahagia itu?
You used to tell me things about you.
You used to tell me how life knocked you down.
You used to tell me your fear and madness.
Kemana perginya orang yang membuat aku merasa penting itu?
Kemana perginya orang yang membuat aku merasa berarti untukmu itu?
When I start to open my heart and start trusting you about my life, you start disappearing.
So I stand still, confuse what to do.
I always try to understand about you.
I try to understand when you asked me to wait for you but then you forget and left me stranded by myself, hanging on something unsure. I thought maybe you're too tired and I wanted you to take a rest.
I try to understand when you speak to me roughly just because someone is ruining your day and you felt like punching everyone. I thought maybe you had a very bad day and I didn't want you to feel bad.
But it has been 3 days now.
In 72 hours, did something never remind you of me?
I have told you I wasnot in a pink, remember?
I have told you I will wait for you, remember?
It's been 3 days and I can't take it.
So if one day I suddenly come accross your mind and you ask me how I am, you know what will i do?
I will not wait for you.
Karena demi apa pun, aku berhak untuk diperlakukan dengan adil and deserve to be cared and loved.
And after everything I have done and felt for you, I'm stranded because you find a boat and sail away to another island.
Do you even know how it hurts?
Do you even care how am I?
So I will stop make it rain and I will seek for the rainbow instead.

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining

Tuhan, aku takut.
How to tell you my fear when I'm actually too scared to even think about it?
It's like I cry myself out every time I want to sleep.
Every night, when half of the world is having a dream, I whimper.
I know this feeling because I haven't gone further.
I know I just need to keep having faith.
I know you'll always got me every time I fall.
Dan seperti yang Kau lihat, Tuhan, I still have it in me.
I've saved some of my strength from the past for this.
I know I shouldn't have wasted every single second for such useless weariness.
But sometimes I feel so scared and feel so stranded that I want to hold You and cry on Your shoulder, God.
If not to You, to whom else I can, God?
Do I have to keep acting like this strong happy person I've been?
I'm tired of being tough and fearless this time, God.
Please, I beg You, may I rest a while and cry?
Right now, I just want to be hugged gently, being kissed on my forehead, and being whispered to my ear: "It's alright, Pam, everything's going to be alright. Maybe not today, but eventually."
Right now, I just want my hand to be held and my step to be led.
And when I think I'm failed again, I want to be comforted, be smiled at, and be told: "It's okay, Pam. It's just another simulation."
I'm scared that I will have to fight by myself, God.
I'm scared that I will have no shoulder to cry on.
I'm scared of being left by the one I've been hoping for.
I'm scared of being pushed to the limit and can't pull myself back again.
I'm scared that what I've been praying for is not going to be an answer.
I'm scared of losing what I've been taking care for.
I'm scared of being a stranger to the one that I close to.
I'm scared of being like a rotten fish.
Tak bolehkah aku meminta agar doaku dikabulkan segera, Tuhan?
Aku rindu, Tuhan.
It feels like driving alone at night when it's raining outside and there's no good music to comfort inside.
It feels like coming home to a quiet house after having a blast.
It feels like going back to the places you've been to with the one you care most, but this time you go back there by yourself.
Kenapa rasanya berat sekali, Tuhan?
It makes me feel like walking through crowded but everyone is a stranger.
Once I was told that when you speak from your heart and say the words your soul has only dared to whisper, that's when miracles happen.
I always say it in every breath I take, God.
It stays in my mind like the air I need to keep me alive.
It squeezes my heart like I almost reach something at a distance.
It's like peeling the shallot, can't do it without having any tear.
Will this past too, God?
Because every cloud has a silver lining.

You Make Working Place Like A Playground

When words can't tell better stories, pictures do.

and it tells the best.

I Miss You, Three

Ya, mungkin kita sering bicara, tapi sudah lama kita tak duduk saling berhadapan sambil ngobrol ini itu dan tertawa ngakak bersama.

Ya, mungkin aku pernah sesekali melihatmu sekilas, tapi sudah lama aku tak melihat senyummu yang sumringah dan matamu yang hanya memandangku saat kita sedang berdua.

Jadi ya, aku rindu padamu. Sangat.

Aku rindu padamu seperti halnya bunga hias yang kuletak di atas meja kantorku di lantai 5 merindukan matahari. Bunga itu kelihatan sedih dan kesepian. Meskipun begitu, dia tetap hidup. Mungkin karena aku masih memberinya air dan sesekali membiarkan matahari pagi menyelinap masuk dan menyentuhnya sedikit.

Sama seperti halnya dirimu, Three. Mungkin karena sesekali Tuhan membiarkan kau mengingatku, menyelinap masuk dalam pikiranku dan menyentuh lembut hatiku. 

Jadi aku tetap menunggumu, Three, seperti halnya yang sering kau minta padaku.

Setiap kali aku melewati tempat-tempat yang pernah kita lalui bersama, aku selalu terkenang akan dirimu, Three.

Aku bahkan terkenang padamu saat mendengar lagu-lagu yang pernah hadir ketika aku bersamamu.

Ah, seandainya hidup punya tombol "click to save" supaya aku bisa menyimpan semua kenangan saat bersamamu itu dan memutarnya kembali saat aku rindu.

Kadang aku penasaran, apakah saat kita merindukan seseorang, orang itu bisa merasakannya dan bayanganmu melintas dalam benaknya?

Kalau memang iya, apakah itu penyebabnya kau kadang tiba-tiba muncul menyapaku dan membuat hariku indah, Three?

Tapi kalau tidak, lalu apa artinya semua hal tentang dirimu, Three?

Apakah jauh di lubuk hatimu kau juga rindu saat-saat bersamaku sehingga kau minta kita untuk bertemu?

Aku selalu rindu, Three. Tapi Tuhan selalu tahu kapan waktu yang tepat untuk mengingatkan hatimu padaku.

Ya, mungkin pernah beberapa kali kau membuatku sedih karena melupakan aku yang dengan sabar menunggumu.

Mungkin terkadang aku merasa kesal dengan sikapmu yang bisa tiba-tiba berubah hingga membuatku merasa disingkirkan.

Namun semuanya sirna begitu saja tiap kali aku ingat bagaimana kau membuatku tersenyum dan tertawa, bahkan di saat aku menangis sekalipun.

Ah, seandainya kau punya tombol "push to open" di dadamu supaya aku bisa melihat apakah ada aku di dalam hatimu, Three.

Katanya ucapan adalah doa, Three.

Jadi tiap kali aku bernafas dan memikirkanmu, aku mengucapkan keinginan itu.

Katanya kalau kita sangat menginginkan sesuatu begitu kuatnya maka seluruh alam semesta akan membantumu mewujudkannya.

Adakah kau merasakan energi itu saat seluruh jagat raya mengantarmu kembali ke dekatku, Three?

Tidak ada yang namanya kebetulan di dunia ini.

Semuanya terjadi karena ada alasannya. 

Segala sesuatunya saling berkaitan karena ada penyebabnya.

Orang-orang hadir dalam hidup kita karena ada tujuannya.

Tuhan bekerja dengan cara yang super misterius dan luar biasa indah.

Dia mengenal kau dan aku setiap detilnya, Three.

Terkadang saat aku memetakan jejak, aku merasa awalnya kita berjalan masing-masing dari ujung yang satu dan ujung yang lain.

Jalan itu tidak lurus, Three, namun berkelok-kelok di tengah, menyimpang sejenak ke tempat lain, membuat kita berhenti sesaat, bahkan juga menjauh satu sama lain.

Namun akhir-akhir ini aku seperti melihat dirimu di ujung jalan di depanku.

Ingin rasanya aku berlari dan segera mendapatimu.

Tapi Tuhan punya cara yang manis untuk mempertemukan kita lagi.

Saat kita masih berupa zat-zat yang melayang-layang di atas sana, Three, kita adalah sepasang zat bahagia yang saling berpegangan satu sama lain.

Namun lalu aku harus pergi lebih dulu ke bumi dan meninggalkanmu di sana melayang sendiri.

Sebelum kau melepaskan peganganmu padaku, kau berkata: "Tunggulah aku di sana. Aku pasti akan menemukanmu dan kita akan bersama lagi."

Jadi sampai saat ini aku tetap menunggumu dan menyimpan hatiku utuh, Three.

Karena aku mau saat kau memegang tanganku, kau akhirnya tahu bahwa kau telah menemukanku.